Black Blue

Have you ever felt the blackest kind of blue? This is the kind of blue that wraps around your heart and constricts. It blurs your vision and clenches in your stomach. It's the depression kind of blue.

It washes over you in merciless waves of sadness, leaving you shaking and empty. And it creates a loneliness that is unparalleled. It takes your thoughts and forces them onto old paths that you thought you had seen for the last time.

In past episodes of depression my mom would repeat to me, "This will pass. This will pass." Between waves of hurt I whisper those words to myself. It's all I can hope for. It's literally all I can manage at times.

This is the kind of blue that makes you hate yourself. It makes you feel fat and ugly. It takes away your smile and leaves black marks under your eyes. It makes breathing a chore. It steals your days and haunts your nights. It makes you long for the numbness of sleep. It makes you dread talking to people and it disables your patience. It turns music into irritating sounds. It changes kindness and love into judgement and conflict.

It takes you by surprise and kicks you while you're down. And then it kicks you again. And again.

It's so hard to verbalize the pain associated with depression. These words can't do it justice, but now at least I've tried.

Fight it, if you feel it. Fight it with all that you have. Fight it by hanging on. It will pass. It will.

You are not alone.

Love,
Charlotte