Darkness

Today bad things happened. But bad things happened yesterday and the day before too. There has been dark cloud cover for two weeks and I am pulled like a fool into the winds of trouble. I long to stay in my bed and weep. Or sleep. Sleep is good because I don't feel anything. Sleep is good. How can I get out of my bed, this room, or this house? There is so much darkness out there. On bad days I see it like an ugly fog creeping in through windows and doors, spilling out of smiles and grins, everywhere. Did you know that there are people that truly don't care about you? I do. I know some of them. I said goodbye to them. They mess with your thoughts and trick you into complacency.

I hate feeling bad. Partially because it's not how I feel. There are no words in any language that could properly describe the feelings of consuming despair, fear, hatred, and pain. Sometimes I think that diseases of the mind are like living in an alternate universe. I watch from the outside. I watch people live with ease and love each other. I'm here on the other side, where I selfishly dwell on my own problems. And I can't break out. Not ever. Not until there is a cure. Treatment... "management" keeps me alive and on the outside. The barrier will exist until there is a cure.

The pain. It has to be different than real physical pain. It feels so twisted and angry. It clutches and punches and kicks you in the side. It crushes your chest and pulses like a living thing. It is so ugly. It is so old, but yet it gets stronger with each day. Sometimes mania takes me away. It doesn't even feel good because I see where I am and I see that there is a fall in the future back to the ground. It is just a waste of time. It's all a waste of our time. A waste.

And here I am. Making the choice to pop my pills, go to sleep, and wake up to another day. Another. Freaking. Day. I don't think it's going to be easy. I know that it will be hard. I feel the pain climbing up from my heart, up my neck and into my jaw. Another night. Another sleep to escape. How long will it last.

Spring?

Good evening folks!

I have missed posting to this portal of the internet! Life's been busy, busy, busy. Even now I opened my laptop to do a German blog for my class, but ended up here instead. Tank's making complaining noises because I'm up later than usual. We're usually in bed with the light off by 10pm. He's licking peanut butter out of his Kong right next to my pillow... Kinda gross.

How are you? Are you fed up with this never-ending winter? I'm doing well, and I am indeed tired of winter. Waking up to see the grass coated with yet another blanket of snow is disheartening to say the least. It takes a special kind of person to live and thrive in Michigan. I might not be that kind of person.

I finished a trio of romance novels tonight and now my pretty realistic view of a romantic relationship has been blown away by unrealistic story circumstances. Gigantic, ever-blooming gardens, great big houses passed down through a hopelessly beautiful family, etc. The Lord knows what my story is and will be, and I suppose that's going to have to be good enough.

I really should write my German blog now. I'll do my best to check back in with you all soon. Have a lovely week my friends.

Love,
Charlotte

Tsunami

Good morning friends.

It's almost spring break time for Tank and I! I have one more class today, which doesn't involve an exam thankfully. I completed a Chemistry exam yesterday which went pretty well. Those exams usually feel like an epic information blast and I wander about for the rest of the day without much brain function. Last night I watched some episodes of Castle while doing laundry, eating an acorn squash, and listening to Tank chomp on a rawhide.

Sometimes I wonder about the rapid rate at which my life changes/evolves. I see people who have a relatively unchanging schedule that repeats week after week and I wonder what that's like. They visit the same coffee shop every morning, order a 16oz Americano, no room for cream, eat a blueberry muffin and shuffle off to work. They don't seem uncomfortable knowing that their movements are predictable. Have they worked hard to enforce the same schedule daily or did it all just happen without their knowledge?

Maybe the part of their day I'm witnessing isn't truly representative of the rate of change in their life. I feel like, personally, trying to fight against change of most kinds is like trying to hold back a tsunami with a picket fence. We try to build up what we can, in the situation that we find ourselves, only to have the landscape changed when surging waters demolish our plans. Dramatic? Yes. True? My anxiety tells me yes.

I suppose I feel apprehensive (at best) about change because I AM constantly in it's grasp. Perhaps when my life is more orderly and predictable I will actually desire change. It's hard for me to imagine that scenario, however. Do you think that God makes certain people "changelings" and other people "samelings?" Or are we meant to vacillate back and forth between the two?

Some day, when I meet my Maker, all my questions will be answered. For now, I'll speculate and wonder. I hope you ask questions as well. Being curious about His world is better than being apathetic, or so I tell myself when my prayers turn into holy interrogations. I pray that He blesses you and I with peace and love this weekend.

Love,
Charlotte

Light

Good evening my friends.

I've been sitting here trying to clear my head and I have come down to one question that I ask myself repeatedly: Why am I the way I am?

Why do I sit here struggling to focus on homework when I know that it must be done?
Why does my brain shut down without any notice?
Why do I have to keep going about my life when my brain is lost somewhere far away from here?

As a rule, when I'm upset I get stuck on questions starting with, "Why...." They are the easiest for my brain to formulate because it's just another form of complaining. I've gotten to be a really good complainer over the years. Ugh....

Therapists have encouraged me, over the years, to cut myself some slack. My brain is wired to make me super critical of myself, which is not fun at all. However, instead of cutting myself slack, a lot of times I just complain. I don't try to make life easier, I just complain about it being hard. How rotten is that?

In my defense, it is quite difficult to operate a body without a functioning mind. It's like trying to win a game that you've forgotten the rules to and the instructions are in a foreign language. Mistakes feel monumental. My eyes zero in on sadness and hardship. I pray desperately to be blessed with a clear head once more.

I'm praying tonight for both of us. I'm praying that God will step in now and every time our brains malfunction. I also pray that He gives us strength to muddle through the days when there is a void behind our eyes. He sees the emptiness in our eyes and hearts and He shines His light into the darkness. I pray someone sees a glint of His light in our eyes so that even our dark days are not a waste.

Love,
Charlotte

Orchid

Good morning!

How do you do? I'm good. It is SO blustery outside today in the Middle City. Makes a girl want to just stay inside and play with her puppy!

So, my bedroom is in the basement. The basement has thick carpeting, as do the stairs leading down from the ground floor. It's been proven, multiple heart-stopping times, that it is impossible for me to hear someone approaching my room. Last night I was sitting on the edge of my bed preparing to go to sleep when my aunt suddenly appeared in the doorway. My heart stopped in a big way. I think I jumped up about a foot into the air. Even Tank was surprised by her presence, which is funny considering the massive size of his ears. She had come down to see how my day had gone and to give me a beautiful mini crocus in a pink pot. Let it be known that good things tend to come as a surprise. For me at least.

I just learned what the German word for grapes is: "Weintrauben." I brought some Weintrauben down to my room to eat this morning but I am stuck in a peanut butter scented cloud of air, created by Tank's fervent attempts at cleaning out his Kong toy. There could be worse smells I guess. By the by, I sort of love tiny potted plants. For a long time I was afraid to buy them because I was worried that I'd kill them through a lack of attention to their needs. My first purchase was a beautiful little Ice Cube Orchid that is bright magenta with yellow stripes. It's called an Ice Cube Orchid because they've determined that placing a couple ice cubes on the soil will result in a slow watering process that the little orchids love. The sticker on the pot also said that these orchids love cooler temperatures, which is lovely seeing as how I currently reside in the semi-tundra.

Last night I cooked a gigantic batch of vegetarian, vegan, gluten-free (!) vegetable soup as a volunteer venture. I made the soup at the hotel-like venue and was serenaded by a man who could play guitar like a genius. He eventually told me his story and I won't bore you with the details, but this man's optimism and determination to bring joy to others, despite his grim afflictions, was outstanding. As I headed home after cleaning up the meal I noticed that my face hurt from smiling. Not a bad thing. I also went to bed at 8:30 last night, which is also not a bad thing. I love sleeping. It's so cozy.

As I'm sure you've noticed, today's post is slightly disjointed, but that's the beautiful thing about a blog. I don't have a professor circling like a hawk and squawking about continuity. Call me crazy, but sometimes I prefer disjointed to overly-worked writing.

I hope you have a lovely Friday and perhaps buy a tiny potted orchid to keep you company.

Love,
Charlotte

Sushi

Good morning my friends.

Oh how I miss the days when I could write a blog post every morning! I'm grateful for having a part-time job, but right now it's kicking my rear. It just so happens that I'm neither a morning nor a night person, so no matter what shift I am assigned, I am slightly tired and confused. Those two characteristics are not very helpful when your job requires sharp focus, recall, and great customer service. I try my best every shift, but some days it feels like I flounder for 8 hours straight. Oy.

Aside from the challenging aspects of my relatively new job, life is going pretty well. I can't wait for springtime so that Tank and I can join a nearby "exclusive" dog park that has 14 fenced in acres of trails and places to play. The park even has a coffee bar, outdoor music and drinks in the summer, and a snazzy bathing room to clean up your dirty puppy post playtime. I'm unreasonably excited about joining. Winter is boring for Tank, and I can't wait to plan some fun, romping time for him! He can only manage 10 minute walks when the temperatures are around freezing because he's too tiny to endure the chill.

Last night as I was falling asleep I developed an insane craving for delicious, fresh sushi. For lunch I'm going to do something I don't do very often: buy myself as much sushi as I can stuff in my face. If I can do it inconspicuously I'll take pictures of the rolls I order and post them in my next blog. If not, detailed descriptions will just have to do! I don't know if you like sushi, but for me, eating good sushi is a restorative experience.

I'm so grateful for days off, aren't you? I pray that you get a day off soon, so that you can take a step away from whatever is draining you right now. Do something to restore your heart. If you like sushi, order a couple rolls for me.

Love you all,
Charlotte

PS Remember when I said I was going to post unattractive pictures of myself? Here goes nothing:

Detox

Good morning friends.

Well, it's Tuesday. Kind of boring day of the week in my opinion. Tank and I are hanging out until I go to class. Tank has had the unfortunate duty of being my companion while I embarked on a detox prescription diet over the last three weeks. He straight up ignores my cries for Little Debbies and encourages me to just relax. What a peach (he still gets to eat cheese).

My aunt and I are on this diet that started with a three day juice/smoothie cleanse followed by three weeks of gluten free, vegan eating. The longing in my heart for hot bacon and pancakes had to be pushed aside for the sake of my health. I honestly didn't know what kind of health benefits I was going to discover over the course of the diet, but I was willing to try it out.

After the first week my aunt asked me if I had been experiencing the same daily tension headaches that have been my M.O. for most of my life. My eyes opened wide as I realized that for a week (not counting the carb/caffiene withdrawal headaches of the first 2 days) I had been pain free. I was baffled. I've been working closely with my primary physician for years trying to track down a method for relieving my daily tension headaches. Unlike some of the stereotypical health-food nuts in America, I believe strongly in the power of medicine. Without it I would be dead. It's a fact. Little did I know, though, that eating a certain diet of nutrient heavy foods would work like a miracle drug for my headaches.

In culinary school I participated in many discussions about food as medicine. In my nutrition course we talked about how important it is to be choosy about what you put into your body. All those conversations were helpful enough, but what I lacked was personal experience and evidence to support the claim that healthy living was the best kind of living. Sacrificing the incredible flavors of dairy and meat products is a BIG DEAL for any culinarian. From day one in culinary school we are taught that fat is flavor, which is an undeniable fact. However, other flavors exist as well. Citrus fruits, fresh herbs, smoky spices, and all types of vinegars can make a dish extremely flavorful without the addition of animal products.

I understand that tofu will never take the place of bacon and a rare steak with blue cheese butter melting on top will always trump roasted mushrooms. But, if eating a gluten free, vegan diet is going to significantly decrease the amount of chronic pain I have to suffer through, I'm going to bite the bullet and stick to it as much as I can.

I've got the personal evidence now. I can back up the "healthy eating" story that doctors try to sell to us. It was definitely a difficult switch and I still dream of hamburgers and chocolate malts, but I'm practically pain free. It's a pretty big deal. I pray that you also find an eating style that makes your body feel it's best. Chronic pain can steal your joy, and I don't want that for you.

Here's to soymilk.

Love,
Marissa

Florida

Good morning friends!

My Facebook is gone and I have more to say than ever. Brace yourself.

In 40 days I will be arriving in Florida for a Spring Break vacation with my Mom. For as long as I can remember I have loved the sunshine state. When I was young we took family trips to stay with my Grandparents in Sarasota and we also stayed at the Polynesian Resort in Disney World periodically. Try as I might, I can only conjure up a few negative memories of my time in Florida, and most involve tragically weeping the night before we had to fly home.

Seeing my grandparents in Florida was an unrivaled joy of my childhood. Although I suffered intensely from motion sickness in airplanes (my poor parents...) it was always worth it to be able to  run into my Grandpa's arms, blab to Grandma as she guided me in lots of crafty endeavors, and smell the freshly blooming Double Delight roses in the front yard. My siblings and I would ride bikes around the circular driveway for hours, draw silly pictures for Grandma and Grandpa, try to catch lizards on the front porch, and use the gigantic yellow binoculars in the Florida room to look for dolphins in the bay. When night would descend I can remember skipping around outside in the balmy beauty of twilight before we left to eat dinner at one of our regular restaurants: Bangkok, Phillippi Creek, or DaRuMa.

In Florida, dusk wasn't a time to be sad. It was a time to get dressed up and bicker about which kids got to ride with Grandma and Grandpa to the restaurant. I was often overwhelmed with my love for that place and the people I was surrounded by. To this day it remains my favorite spot in the world, and those memories are the best I can conjure. What a blessing it was to have such a magical destination to look forward to every year.

From conversations with my siblings and cousins, it's safe to say that it was a favorite place for all of us while we were growing up. Although typically my memory is slightly shoddy, I can count on my Florida memories to remain vivid for a long time to come. They are so lively and full of grace and love.

40 days from today I will be landing in the sunshine state. It seems like forever and it seems like no time at all. I think I'm a Floridian at heart, just like my Grandpa was. Who knows what the future holds, but I pray that in my lifetime I can create memories as breathtaking for my grandkids as my family made for me.

I hope you all have a wonderful Friday! Dwell on some good memories today - it will make your heart strong.

Love,
Charlotte

So Long

Good evening.

The pastor at my church wrote a book called "Satisfied" and his current sermon series is expounding on the text. Last Sunday he talked about how comparison can turn us from content and grateful people to envious, discontented people. He mentioned that Facebook is a blaring means of comparing yourself to others. I know this to be true, at least for me. I'm in the process of shutting down my Facebook account for good.

I want to be happy. I want to see the abundance of what I have. I don't want to compare myself to you, and I don't want you to have to compare yourself to me. I'm so used to going right to Facebook when I turn on my computer or my phone. I wonder how I can change for the better by leaving that facet of social media behind....

By the by, have you noticed how cold it is outside? My goodness. The Middle City is a very chilly place right now. I can't wait to enjoy above-freezing temperatures once again. I can't wait for spring! Running water, green grass, trips to the dog park. For now Tank and I will have to make do with a frozen tundra and sub-freezing temperatures. At least he and I are really good at being cozy. He's so tiny that a furry blanket can be used as a snuggle fortress. I'm so glad I bought an electric blanket. Even with the blanket turned up high, it sometimes takes two hours for my toes to get warm. Just like my beloved Grandpa, Pliny Marcena Keep, my circulation likes to halt halfway down my leg and leave the toes out on their own.

It's no secret that I hate winter, but this time around I'm way more mentally and emotionally stable. Although I despise the cold and the extra darkness, I can make it through, because my brain is functioning better than it ever has before. Sometimes, though, I can't shake the memories of winter nights growing up when I would just start to weep when the sun went down. I hated night time and the darkness it brought. It was my worst time depression-wise. It still is. But now I pull the curtain shut tight, set all my lights a-blazing, brew some tea and snuggle with my perfect little Papillon companion.

My attempts at keeping my spirits up at night aren't always successful. I still have dark nights where I can't see past the pain in my chest. But it seems like the odds are in my favor now. God has walked me through the dark and lonely valley of young adult mental illness, and now He is leading me into a peaceful middle ground. He is letting me rest. What a gentle and loving God we have. I pray that you will continue to grasp His hand as you journey forward, on whatever terrain He has called you to traverse. It is well worth the journey.

Love,

Charlotte

Harmony

Good morning my friends.

How are you doing on this frigid day? Tank and I are still snuggled in bed due to a 2 hour delay at school. Although I realize that little delays like this set our academic schedules aflutter, the luxury of staying cozy for a little bit longer is always a wonderful blessing. As I'm sure you've already guessed, I am kind of obsessed with animals. Perhaps this obsession has resulted in my desire to lounge in bed all day like my feline and K-9 friends. They just look so cozy!

A couple days ago Tank was down for the count with a cold. He wasn't interested in eating any of the tempting snacks I created for him. The most alarming thing that happens when he is sick is that he stays in my bed and doesn't follow me around. I'm used to hearing his jingling collar behind me after every step, and it was slightly spooky when he stayed behind in my room all day. I felt terrible running errands while he laid in bed feeling miserable. I can only imagine how it will affect me when I have a sick child one day....

Tank's cold only lasted one day, thankfully, and now he's back to his crazy self. For being such a tiny little guy, he certainly enjoys romping up large snow hills and forging paths in epic snowdrifts. Yesterday he attempted to climb a steep snowy incline to no avail. His little legs were jumping in the snow but he didn't move an inch. After laughing at his expense for a moment, I picked him up and tossed him to the top of the hill. He looked so proud of his accomplishment. What a nut.

I've realized that, as a dog-loving introvert, my greatest plans for the weekend involve never leaving the house. I absolutely love spending days with Tank, working on homework, and making my cozy room even cozier. Compared to my immediate family, I'm kind of an extrovert. Compared to most people in the outside world, I'm a mole. I'm really grateful that it doesn't take much to make my weekends enjoyable.

On the other hand, the social side of me (miniscule as it may be) sometimes protests my hermit activities. Seeing as how I don't have an excess of readily available friends in the Middle City, I usually have to stifle the protests. I believe I will make real friendships here eventually. Right now though, I'll have to keep my eyes peeled for kindred spirits. I pray that you too, will run into somebody that strikes a chord of previously unsung harmony with you. There's a symphony of harmonies and melodies out there, all written by our Heavenly Father. Let's discover them.

Love,

Charlotte

Scoff

Good morning friends.

How exciting it is to be over half way done with January! This scholastic semester has finally begun to settle down for me, so I'm aiming to resume more frequent blog posts. I'm happy to be writing again.

Today I work my third training shift at my new job. I'm thrilled to be collecting a paycheck once more. Makes me feel like less of a freeloader. The work is not too complicated, but fulfilling nonetheless. Along with the job, I am taking an intro to Chemistry course and another German course. Last semester I was fighting off doubts about my commitment to the Chemistry major, but now that I have begun re-learning the basics of Chemistry I'm happy to report that the doubts have been banished. I will put off doing other chores and homework just to study and get ahead in my Chemistry book. I enjoy it.

Tank loves it when I do Chemistry as well. I typically sit on my bed amidst all of my papers and he snuggles up close to my legs and snoozes. Win win. From my two years of Chemistry in high school, I remember how complicated this course of study will become within a matter of months. I'm relishing this time of easy memorization and calculations. It feels therapeutic.

I'm so glad that God led me to begin Chemistry at this point in my life. I'm still recovering from the traumatizing mental illness fiasco of a couple years past. It has been very difficult for me to cut myself some slack and accept that I'm just not the same as everyone else. I am unable to take more than a few classes at a time because I need to keep focused on maintaining good mental health more than progressing through college in a quick manner. It's tough. People find out how much "free time" I have and scoff, as if I'm leading a life of secret luxury while they slave away over textbooks.

That couldn't be farther from the truth. I would love to take a full load of classes and have a part time job just like everyone else. The fact is, though, that my brain isn't like everyone else's. I've tried taking on more classes and the added time and stress makes me shut down. I can't explain what is happening in my brain, but I can confirm that the outcome is real. The reality is that I have sought treatment since my early teens, and still, today, the disease can cripple me. Mental illness doesn't become "cured" no matter how much treatment you seek. It can only be managed throughout a lifetime.

I pray that soon America will reduce the stigma attached to these miserable illnesses of the brain. You are too important in God's plan to be caught up in the lies and judgements of the ignorant. Embrace whatever makes you different. Embrace others who stand for love and justice. Embrace someone you know who struggles from a mental illness. Trust that God will soothe them through your touch.

Love always,

Charlotte

Passport

Good evening friends.

I apologize for the lack of posts lately. I won't give reasons or excuses because who really wants to hear those? The important thing is that I'm here, writing to you. I have returned to the Middle City from my trip home for the holidays. It's good to be back, but I miss my family immensely. I hope your Christmas was love-filled.

I came back here in order to begin training for my new job before the next semester starts. It looks like I have a few more days to wait until my first scheduled shift so I'm going to be busy trying to keep busy. Although it is nice not having a job or school to worry about for a couple days more, I will admit that I'm not good at filling empty days. I'll be praying for guidance as to what I should do, because goodness knows I can't even amuse myself for 10 minutes.

Today I was searching for my passport and social security card in order to make copies of them and submit them to my employer. I tend to lose important/expensive items and thus my Mom has affectionately dubbed me, "A Loser." Aware of my shortcomings, I constantly try to put important things in a place that I will remember. I knew my passport, social security card, and surplus checkbooks were all hiding in one spot together, because I'm a genius and I pile all the important stuff in the same place so that when I lose one thing, I lose all the other things as well.

I knew my passport was somewhere in the Middle City. I was sure of it. I've only lived in two places here and I turned each place inside out looking for it. It was nowhere to be found. After searching through my purse all over again I decided that it was high time I called my mom to complain. I knew for a fact that she had no vital information regarding my personal affects, but there is something strangely comforting about complaining to my mother. I explained my misery and she in turn said that my sad tale made her want to call someone else to complain to them. That made me laugh. I still had no social security card or passport though.

I have been obsessively watching the old TV show "The Closer" and I've noticed that Detective Johnson has a certain look that comes over her face when she unlocks the mystery of a certain crime case. Earlier today I was praying that God would give me that moment of understanding regarding the whereabouts of my stuff. After I hung up the phone with Mom, I was blessed with that moment. I remembered that I had surplus storage in an obscure upstairs room at my last residence that I had yet to completely move out of. I rushed over and was utterly relieved to find my passport with my security card tucked inside.

When losing stuff feels like your job, having an important find like this is a BIG DEAL. I felt like alerting all the world leaders to organize a day of feasting and celebration! Thank the Lord I found everything.

I realized that I hardly ever pray to ask God help me find something I've lost. I have always wanted to avoid becoming someone who fails to talk to Jesus daily, but is quick to ask for His help when it's needed. I think somehow I manipulated that idea in my mind to make me feel like I shouldn't ask for His help when I need it, regardless of the circumstances. Just because I don't want Him to think I'm using Him. Good gracious. It sounds ridiculous when I write it all down, but it's true.

I'm going to pray tonight that we use the strength and intelligence God gives us to seek Him first. I will pray that anyone else who feels the same way as I do ,will no longer balk at asking for help, but will turn to Him daily and accept His comfort.

Love,
Charlotte