Light

Good evening my friends.

I've been sitting here trying to clear my head and I have come down to one question that I ask myself repeatedly: Why am I the way I am?

Why do I sit here struggling to focus on homework when I know that it must be done?
Why does my brain shut down without any notice?
Why do I have to keep going about my life when my brain is lost somewhere far away from here?

As a rule, when I'm upset I get stuck on questions starting with, "Why...." They are the easiest for my brain to formulate because it's just another form of complaining. I've gotten to be a really good complainer over the years. Ugh....

Therapists have encouraged me, over the years, to cut myself some slack. My brain is wired to make me super critical of myself, which is not fun at all. However, instead of cutting myself slack, a lot of times I just complain. I don't try to make life easier, I just complain about it being hard. How rotten is that?

In my defense, it is quite difficult to operate a body without a functioning mind. It's like trying to win a game that you've forgotten the rules to and the instructions are in a foreign language. Mistakes feel monumental. My eyes zero in on sadness and hardship. I pray desperately to be blessed with a clear head once more.

I'm praying tonight for both of us. I'm praying that God will step in now and every time our brains malfunction. I also pray that He gives us strength to muddle through the days when there is a void behind our eyes. He sees the emptiness in our eyes and hearts and He shines His light into the darkness. I pray someone sees a glint of His light in our eyes so that even our dark days are not a waste.

Love,
Charlotte