Darkness

Today bad things happened. But bad things happened yesterday and the day before too. There has been dark cloud cover for two weeks and I am pulled like a fool into the winds of trouble. I long to stay in my bed and weep. Or sleep. Sleep is good because I don't feel anything. Sleep is good. How can I get out of my bed, this room, or this house? There is so much darkness out there. On bad days I see it like an ugly fog creeping in through windows and doors, spilling out of smiles and grins, everywhere. Did you know that there are people that truly don't care about you? I do. I know some of them. I said goodbye to them. They mess with your thoughts and trick you into complacency.

I hate feeling bad. Partially because it's not how I feel. There are no words in any language that could properly describe the feelings of consuming despair, fear, hatred, and pain. Sometimes I think that diseases of the mind are like living in an alternate universe. I watch from the outside. I watch people live with ease and love each other. I'm here on the other side, where I selfishly dwell on my own problems. And I can't break out. Not ever. Not until there is a cure. Treatment... "management" keeps me alive and on the outside. The barrier will exist until there is a cure.

The pain. It has to be different than real physical pain. It feels so twisted and angry. It clutches and punches and kicks you in the side. It crushes your chest and pulses like a living thing. It is so ugly. It is so old, but yet it gets stronger with each day. Sometimes mania takes me away. It doesn't even feel good because I see where I am and I see that there is a fall in the future back to the ground. It is just a waste of time. It's all a waste of our time. A waste.

And here I am. Making the choice to pop my pills, go to sleep, and wake up to another day. Another. Freaking. Day. I don't think it's going to be easy. I know that it will be hard. I feel the pain climbing up from my heart, up my neck and into my jaw. Another night. Another sleep to escape. How long will it last.

Spring?

Good evening folks!

I have missed posting to this portal of the internet! Life's been busy, busy, busy. Even now I opened my laptop to do a German blog for my class, but ended up here instead. Tank's making complaining noises because I'm up later than usual. We're usually in bed with the light off by 10pm. He's licking peanut butter out of his Kong right next to my pillow... Kinda gross.

How are you? Are you fed up with this never-ending winter? I'm doing well, and I am indeed tired of winter. Waking up to see the grass coated with yet another blanket of snow is disheartening to say the least. It takes a special kind of person to live and thrive in Michigan. I might not be that kind of person.

I finished a trio of romance novels tonight and now my pretty realistic view of a romantic relationship has been blown away by unrealistic story circumstances. Gigantic, ever-blooming gardens, great big houses passed down through a hopelessly beautiful family, etc. The Lord knows what my story is and will be, and I suppose that's going to have to be good enough.

I really should write my German blog now. I'll do my best to check back in with you all soon. Have a lovely week my friends.

Love,
Charlotte

Tsunami

Good morning friends.

It's almost spring break time for Tank and I! I have one more class today, which doesn't involve an exam thankfully. I completed a Chemistry exam yesterday which went pretty well. Those exams usually feel like an epic information blast and I wander about for the rest of the day without much brain function. Last night I watched some episodes of Castle while doing laundry, eating an acorn squash, and listening to Tank chomp on a rawhide.

Sometimes I wonder about the rapid rate at which my life changes/evolves. I see people who have a relatively unchanging schedule that repeats week after week and I wonder what that's like. They visit the same coffee shop every morning, order a 16oz Americano, no room for cream, eat a blueberry muffin and shuffle off to work. They don't seem uncomfortable knowing that their movements are predictable. Have they worked hard to enforce the same schedule daily or did it all just happen without their knowledge?

Maybe the part of their day I'm witnessing isn't truly representative of the rate of change in their life. I feel like, personally, trying to fight against change of most kinds is like trying to hold back a tsunami with a picket fence. We try to build up what we can, in the situation that we find ourselves, only to have the landscape changed when surging waters demolish our plans. Dramatic? Yes. True? My anxiety tells me yes.

I suppose I feel apprehensive (at best) about change because I AM constantly in it's grasp. Perhaps when my life is more orderly and predictable I will actually desire change. It's hard for me to imagine that scenario, however. Do you think that God makes certain people "changelings" and other people "samelings?" Or are we meant to vacillate back and forth between the two?

Some day, when I meet my Maker, all my questions will be answered. For now, I'll speculate and wonder. I hope you ask questions as well. Being curious about His world is better than being apathetic, or so I tell myself when my prayers turn into holy interrogations. I pray that He blesses you and I with peace and love this weekend.

Love,
Charlotte

Light

Good evening my friends.

I've been sitting here trying to clear my head and I have come down to one question that I ask myself repeatedly: Why am I the way I am?

Why do I sit here struggling to focus on homework when I know that it must be done?
Why does my brain shut down without any notice?
Why do I have to keep going about my life when my brain is lost somewhere far away from here?

As a rule, when I'm upset I get stuck on questions starting with, "Why...." They are the easiest for my brain to formulate because it's just another form of complaining. I've gotten to be a really good complainer over the years. Ugh....

Therapists have encouraged me, over the years, to cut myself some slack. My brain is wired to make me super critical of myself, which is not fun at all. However, instead of cutting myself slack, a lot of times I just complain. I don't try to make life easier, I just complain about it being hard. How rotten is that?

In my defense, it is quite difficult to operate a body without a functioning mind. It's like trying to win a game that you've forgotten the rules to and the instructions are in a foreign language. Mistakes feel monumental. My eyes zero in on sadness and hardship. I pray desperately to be blessed with a clear head once more.

I'm praying tonight for both of us. I'm praying that God will step in now and every time our brains malfunction. I also pray that He gives us strength to muddle through the days when there is a void behind our eyes. He sees the emptiness in our eyes and hearts and He shines His light into the darkness. I pray someone sees a glint of His light in our eyes so that even our dark days are not a waste.

Love,
Charlotte

Orchid

Good morning!

How do you do? I'm good. It is SO blustery outside today in the Middle City. Makes a girl want to just stay inside and play with her puppy!

So, my bedroom is in the basement. The basement has thick carpeting, as do the stairs leading down from the ground floor. It's been proven, multiple heart-stopping times, that it is impossible for me to hear someone approaching my room. Last night I was sitting on the edge of my bed preparing to go to sleep when my aunt suddenly appeared in the doorway. My heart stopped in a big way. I think I jumped up about a foot into the air. Even Tank was surprised by her presence, which is funny considering the massive size of his ears. She had come down to see how my day had gone and to give me a beautiful mini crocus in a pink pot. Let it be known that good things tend to come as a surprise. For me at least.

I just learned what the German word for grapes is: "Weintrauben." I brought some Weintrauben down to my room to eat this morning but I am stuck in a peanut butter scented cloud of air, created by Tank's fervent attempts at cleaning out his Kong toy. There could be worse smells I guess. By the by, I sort of love tiny potted plants. For a long time I was afraid to buy them because I was worried that I'd kill them through a lack of attention to their needs. My first purchase was a beautiful little Ice Cube Orchid that is bright magenta with yellow stripes. It's called an Ice Cube Orchid because they've determined that placing a couple ice cubes on the soil will result in a slow watering process that the little orchids love. The sticker on the pot also said that these orchids love cooler temperatures, which is lovely seeing as how I currently reside in the semi-tundra.

Last night I cooked a gigantic batch of vegetarian, vegan, gluten-free (!) vegetable soup as a volunteer venture. I made the soup at the hotel-like venue and was serenaded by a man who could play guitar like a genius. He eventually told me his story and I won't bore you with the details, but this man's optimism and determination to bring joy to others, despite his grim afflictions, was outstanding. As I headed home after cleaning up the meal I noticed that my face hurt from smiling. Not a bad thing. I also went to bed at 8:30 last night, which is also not a bad thing. I love sleeping. It's so cozy.

As I'm sure you've noticed, today's post is slightly disjointed, but that's the beautiful thing about a blog. I don't have a professor circling like a hawk and squawking about continuity. Call me crazy, but sometimes I prefer disjointed to overly-worked writing.

I hope you have a lovely Friday and perhaps buy a tiny potted orchid to keep you company.

Love,
Charlotte

Sushi

Good morning my friends.

Oh how I miss the days when I could write a blog post every morning! I'm grateful for having a part-time job, but right now it's kicking my rear. It just so happens that I'm neither a morning nor a night person, so no matter what shift I am assigned, I am slightly tired and confused. Those two characteristics are not very helpful when your job requires sharp focus, recall, and great customer service. I try my best every shift, but some days it feels like I flounder for 8 hours straight. Oy.

Aside from the challenging aspects of my relatively new job, life is going pretty well. I can't wait for springtime so that Tank and I can join a nearby "exclusive" dog park that has 14 fenced in acres of trails and places to play. The park even has a coffee bar, outdoor music and drinks in the summer, and a snazzy bathing room to clean up your dirty puppy post playtime. I'm unreasonably excited about joining. Winter is boring for Tank, and I can't wait to plan some fun, romping time for him! He can only manage 10 minute walks when the temperatures are around freezing because he's too tiny to endure the chill.

Last night as I was falling asleep I developed an insane craving for delicious, fresh sushi. For lunch I'm going to do something I don't do very often: buy myself as much sushi as I can stuff in my face. If I can do it inconspicuously I'll take pictures of the rolls I order and post them in my next blog. If not, detailed descriptions will just have to do! I don't know if you like sushi, but for me, eating good sushi is a restorative experience.

I'm so grateful for days off, aren't you? I pray that you get a day off soon, so that you can take a step away from whatever is draining you right now. Do something to restore your heart. If you like sushi, order a couple rolls for me.

Love you all,
Charlotte

PS Remember when I said I was going to post unattractive pictures of myself? Here goes nothing:

Detox

Good morning friends.

Well, it's Tuesday. Kind of boring day of the week in my opinion. Tank and I are hanging out until I go to class. Tank has had the unfortunate duty of being my companion while I embarked on a detox prescription diet over the last three weeks. He straight up ignores my cries for Little Debbies and encourages me to just relax. What a peach (he still gets to eat cheese).

My aunt and I are on this diet that started with a three day juice/smoothie cleanse followed by three weeks of gluten free, vegan eating. The longing in my heart for hot bacon and pancakes had to be pushed aside for the sake of my health. I honestly didn't know what kind of health benefits I was going to discover over the course of the diet, but I was willing to try it out.

After the first week my aunt asked me if I had been experiencing the same daily tension headaches that have been my M.O. for most of my life. My eyes opened wide as I realized that for a week (not counting the carb/caffiene withdrawal headaches of the first 2 days) I had been pain free. I was baffled. I've been working closely with my primary physician for years trying to track down a method for relieving my daily tension headaches. Unlike some of the stereotypical health-food nuts in America, I believe strongly in the power of medicine. Without it I would be dead. It's a fact. Little did I know, though, that eating a certain diet of nutrient heavy foods would work like a miracle drug for my headaches.

In culinary school I participated in many discussions about food as medicine. In my nutrition course we talked about how important it is to be choosy about what you put into your body. All those conversations were helpful enough, but what I lacked was personal experience and evidence to support the claim that healthy living was the best kind of living. Sacrificing the incredible flavors of dairy and meat products is a BIG DEAL for any culinarian. From day one in culinary school we are taught that fat is flavor, which is an undeniable fact. However, other flavors exist as well. Citrus fruits, fresh herbs, smoky spices, and all types of vinegars can make a dish extremely flavorful without the addition of animal products.

I understand that tofu will never take the place of bacon and a rare steak with blue cheese butter melting on top will always trump roasted mushrooms. But, if eating a gluten free, vegan diet is going to significantly decrease the amount of chronic pain I have to suffer through, I'm going to bite the bullet and stick to it as much as I can.

I've got the personal evidence now. I can back up the "healthy eating" story that doctors try to sell to us. It was definitely a difficult switch and I still dream of hamburgers and chocolate malts, but I'm practically pain free. It's a pretty big deal. I pray that you also find an eating style that makes your body feel it's best. Chronic pain can steal your joy, and I don't want that for you.

Here's to soymilk.

Love,
Marissa