Darkness

Today bad things happened. But bad things happened yesterday and the day before too. There has been dark cloud cover for two weeks and I am pulled like a fool into the winds of trouble. I long to stay in my bed and weep. Or sleep. Sleep is good because I don't feel anything. Sleep is good. How can I get out of my bed, this room, or this house? There is so much darkness out there. On bad days I see it like an ugly fog creeping in through windows and doors, spilling out of smiles and grins, everywhere. Did you know that there are people that truly don't care about you? I do. I know some of them. I said goodbye to them. They mess with your thoughts and trick you into complacency.

I hate feeling bad. Partially because it's not how I feel. There are no words in any language that could properly describe the feelings of consuming despair, fear, hatred, and pain. Sometimes I think that diseases of the mind are like living in an alternate universe. I watch from the outside. I watch people live with ease and love each other. I'm here on the other side, where I selfishly dwell on my own problems. And I can't break out. Not ever. Not until there is a cure. Treatment... "management" keeps me alive and on the outside. The barrier will exist until there is a cure.

The pain. It has to be different than real physical pain. It feels so twisted and angry. It clutches and punches and kicks you in the side. It crushes your chest and pulses like a living thing. It is so ugly. It is so old, but yet it gets stronger with each day. Sometimes mania takes me away. It doesn't even feel good because I see where I am and I see that there is a fall in the future back to the ground. It is just a waste of time. It's all a waste of our time. A waste.

And here I am. Making the choice to pop my pills, go to sleep, and wake up to another day. Another. Freaking. Day. I don't think it's going to be easy. I know that it will be hard. I feel the pain climbing up from my heart, up my neck and into my jaw. Another night. Another sleep to escape. How long will it last.