Merry Christmas

Good evening ladies and gentlemen.

It's Christmas night at approximately 8:30 pm and I'm the last one awake in our house. We had a big day. Mom and I were up at 4:30 am preparing a Christmas breakfast for the group of about 60 homeless people from our city that are taking shelter from the cold at our church this week. By 6:00 the rest of the family had arrived and we were all fussing about cracking jokes and trying to be industrious. It's hard to remain coherent that early in the morning, but the breakfast went well and I think our guests enjoyed the breakfast buffet.

After we returned home we did our usual Christmas things and then I took a fantastic nap, hence my being the only one awake right now. I'm glad my family gets to rest now; they have worked hard today.

Although the days leading up to this holiday have been fraught with personal problems, and it seemed as though a new day would never dawn, the worst has passed for now. I can once again think with relative clarity and breathe without pain. I'm thankful that this Christmas I was able to enjoy the Christmas Eve candlelight service without a veil of depression over me. It was and is an incredible blessing.

I hope you found a modicum of peace in your life this Christmas. Even a small streak of peace is a beauty to behold. I feel peace when I sit down to write a blog post. I can't even begin to focus if I'm in a noisy room, so I always wait until I can be by myself in silence. I have a great appreciation for silence. Although my thoughts are obviously right inside my head, I can't seem to identify them and draw them out of hiding until I am quiet and alone. I've tried writing with another person in the room (who is absolutely silent) but it's like the gates to my brain are locked. Kind of weird....

One of the many reasons I enjoy blogging is that it feels like I'm cleaning out my brain. Sounds kind of messy, no? Actually, when I don't blog for a couple days my thoughts start building up in my head and things start to get pretty crowded. Writing is like emptying out a bit of my thoughts that are taking up space in my head, and making room for new ones. It's refreshing.

Sometimes my posts don't really have a point, much like this one. Somehow, though, writing still brings me peace. The performer/entertainer in me likes having people read what I write. That's why blogging is more fulfilling than writing in a journal, for me. Also, knowing that people are going to be reading my posts helps me to censor my thoughts. This kind of censoring is helpful because it forces me to review my thoughts from an outside perspective in order to write things that make sense.

Thank you for reading my blog. Thank you for giving me some of your time. I pray that Jesus makes love come alive in your heart this evening.

Merry Christmas

Love,
Charlotte

Black Blue

Have you ever felt the blackest kind of blue? This is the kind of blue that wraps around your heart and constricts. It blurs your vision and clenches in your stomach. It's the depression kind of blue.

It washes over you in merciless waves of sadness, leaving you shaking and empty. And it creates a loneliness that is unparalleled. It takes your thoughts and forces them onto old paths that you thought you had seen for the last time.

In past episodes of depression my mom would repeat to me, "This will pass. This will pass." Between waves of hurt I whisper those words to myself. It's all I can hope for. It's literally all I can manage at times.

This is the kind of blue that makes you hate yourself. It makes you feel fat and ugly. It takes away your smile and leaves black marks under your eyes. It makes breathing a chore. It steals your days and haunts your nights. It makes you long for the numbness of sleep. It makes you dread talking to people and it disables your patience. It turns music into irritating sounds. It changes kindness and love into judgement and conflict.

It takes you by surprise and kicks you while you're down. And then it kicks you again. And again.

It's so hard to verbalize the pain associated with depression. These words can't do it justice, but now at least I've tried.

Fight it, if you feel it. Fight it with all that you have. Fight it by hanging on. It will pass. It will.

You are not alone.

Love,
Charlotte

Saved

Good morning friends.

I'm home! Tank and I drove home on Wednesday. Tank enjoys racing around with the other dogs and I enjoy lounging around in my jammies all day long. My brother and I hung all the ornaments on our tree yesterday and now it looks very handsome. Mom made cookies last night and tonight our family (minus my sister who comes home on Monday) is going to see Anchorman 2 and gorge ourselves on movie popcorn for dinner.

Despite all these good things, the melancholy feeling I wrote about in a previous post remains. Does everyone have that feeling? I really don't remember anyone else readily admitting that they feel blue when everything seems to be going well in their lives. It's unfortunate because admitting it makes me look ungrateful, which I am not. I am extremely blessed and I am so thankful for those blessings. Still, though, I'm blue. I wonder why...

I've always been a little on the melancholy side of things. Thus is my brain's chemical composition. I avoid sad movies at all costs because I take the pain of the plot lines personally. I try to surround myself with positive people because I want to model myself after them. I thank God for the little things that make me smile, because I know He wants me to be joyful.

I guess it's normal to be sad sometimes. I just wish it didn't hit so hard during the holidays. Makes me feel like a grumpus. Having a bunch of free time during the school break also gives me extra time to dwell on my life choices, which doesn't usually end in positive thoughts. Regrets become stifling and wishes for the future become desperate. The media encourages us to take time to recall the events of this past calendar year. Why? Because we should be proud of them? Hmm...

I honestly don't have much to say that's particularly insightful about the holiday blues. I feel like this every year without fail. Maybe some day I'll look back and see a reason for the sadness, or that something good came out of it. Right now I'm going to try to take this one day at a time. I did the best I could this year, and Jesus knows that. My mistakes are glaring and ugly, but that's why He came to Earth in human form. He wanted to take our sins upon His shoulders so that we can one day rest in eternity with Him. He was born to save me and you.

Love,
Charlotte

PDA

Good evening friends.

Today at church I had trouble concentrating. This isn't anything new because my mind loves to wander, but this time it wasn't my mind doing the wandering. I chose my seat after walking into my church's auditorium and quickly the seats filled up around me. I looked around and saw that I was surrounded. I was surrounded by couples. Young couples. Couples who did a lot of arm rubbing, side-ways hugging, and even some butt grabbing.

Don't you think that those people could find time in the other 166 hours of their week to snuggle? I really don't think that's too much to ask. I'm going to try to explain something now that might not make sense, but I'm going to do it anyways. Imagine this: I sit down in a chair. That chair is attached to all the other chairs in that row. A young lady sits in the seat directly to my right and her boyfriend/fiance/man friend sits next to her.

Now, I don't know about you, but growing up in a medium sized church did not prepare me for church services in which I am one of about a trillion other people trying to find an open seat from which to watch the service, as it is in my new church home. As we were listening to the sermon and I was trying to discreetly crane my neck around the man's head in front of me to read a bible passage on the screen, I noticed something in my peripheral awareness. My head was only about an inch away from my next chair neighbor's boyfriend's hand.

He had wrapped his arm around her shoulders (not unlike a Boa constrictor) and was massaging her upper arm vigorously. Right. Next. To. My. Neck.

No matter how I have to maneuver to see the preacher, I should not have to worry about encroaching on someone else's PDA to read a Bible passage, you know? I don't think that's unreasonable, do you? Outside of church, PDA seems to be a given. But during the sermon? Please. I think I speak for all of us in the Sane and Single club when I say, "Really? REALLY?"

Being single has been beneficial for me in a number of ways. One of those ways is that it gives me the opportunity to view two participants of a romantic relationship from an outside (but slightly cynical) perspective. From the Sane and Single clubhouse, if you will. I have identified what disgusts me about certain lovebirds I see, and now I can fashion my own relationships to avoid becoming one of the overly demonstrative couples that have made me feel so uncomfortable in my own church.


After the previously described incident occurred, my "couple radar" was heightened. I noticed that every one of the couples surrounding me were participating in some sort of arm rubbing or back stroking. I may sound like a lunatic, but that small stuff added up to one big problem for me. I was so grossed out by the blatant physical attention these couples were paying to each other that my focus on the sermon was shot to pieces. Needless to say I can't recall exactly what the sermon was about today.

I know people have a lot of different ideas of what is decent and indecent when it comes to PDA. I get that. I also know that other young, single Christians have expressed the same frustrations as I have about this issue. That said, we might assume that I'm not a raving crazy who is hiding in the Sane and Single Clubhouse ready to launch water balloons at the next unsuspecting couple that saunters by. I just want to be able to hear a sermon devoid of the sound of a few men's scratchy hands snagging on their lady's silky blouses.

For the love of all things holy, let's keep our hands to ourselves. At least in church, okay? Good talk.

Love,
Charlotte

Empty

Good morning my friends.

Do you ever feel like your life is insignificant? Like what you have done, what you do, and what you're planning to do, don't seem to be important in the grand scheme of things? I do.

I've been alive for almost 24 years. Seven of those years I've been an "adult." What have I accomplished? What have I done? I completed two years of vocal performance training in college, earned an Associates degree in the culinary arts, traveled to Germany and Austria for an opera program, and... is that it? Aside from overcoming some health issues, what I have accomplished seems rather self-centered. Maybe I'm being too tough on myself, but my goodness, when am I going to help other people? When am I going to fight for my country or speak for those who can't speak for themselves?

I just started at a new college in order to earn a Bachelor's degree in Chemistry and a minor in German. This will take years to complete. Once those years are over I will be close to 30 years old. Then what? Will I finally adjust the focus of my life to help others?

It's hard sometimes waiting. It's hard living through the boring days to eventually live more meaningful days. I know it's important to have a college degree, but today it seems like I'm wasting time. I pray God works through me to further His work even though I may not feel or see his power in me. I pray the same for you.

Love,
Charlotte

Uncertainty

Hello my friends.

I'm scared of the future. And I'm scared of the dark. Mostly though, I'm just scared of the future. Today is December 12, 2013. But what about tomorrow? And the next day? And next year? There is so little that we actually know. Each day comes at us whether we like it or not. Today I'm feeling like I'd love to stay in my bed with my puppy and watch today happen outside my window.

Unfortunately I have to go to class and complete chores just like every other adult. How do we do it? How do we get up every day and step out the door into the unknown? It's terrifying. Anything could happen today; good or bad. Our schedules and plans are just a way for us to try to structure a chaotic world. I apologize for sounding kind of spacey today. Sometimes it feels like I'm watching myself from outside my own body. It's one of those days.

I read today's devotional from Sarah Young's book, "Jesus Calling," before writing this post. Here's what it said:

"I am taking care of you. Feel the warmth and security of being enveloped in My loving Presence. Every detail of your life is under my control. Moreover, everything fits into a pattern for good, to those who love Me and are called according to My design and purpose.

Because the world is in an abnormal, fallen condition, people tend to think that chance governs the universe. Events may seem to occur randomly, with little or no meaning. People who view the world this way have overlooked one basic fact: What you know of the world you inhabit is only the tip of the iceberg. Submerged beneath the surface of the visible world are mysteries too vast for you to comprehend. If you could only see how close I am to you and how constantly I work on your behalf, you would never again doubt that I am wonderfully caring for you. This is why you must live by faith, not by sight; trusting in My mysterious, majestic Presence."

It seems that the message didn't exactly sink in for me before I started writing. I was freaking out despite the calming words I had just read. I'm so grateful that we get more than one chance to seek Jesus daily, because I just blew my first attempt. Here's to a day of trust in the face of uncertainty.

Love,
Charlotte

Pictures

Guten Morgen Freunde!

I just opened up this window on my browser to write a new post and spied something to the right of my page. I dragged the window open a little bigger to discover that I can schedule a post to be posted at a certain time and date! What?! So, in theory I could write 20 posts today and have them scheduled to post every day at different times. So sneaky... However, I couldn't possibly write 20 posts in a day so you don't need to worry about me taking 20 days off.

Anyways....  It's kind of weird writing monologues day after day. It starts to feel a wee bit narcissistic. I guess it would be even more weird to post a dialogue to a blog. I've seen lots of blogs that are based on pictures that the blogger takes. I'm a visual person, so I love pictures, in general.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) I outgrew the excessive picture taking compulsion of my adolescence. Going through old boxes of my stuff in my mom's storage locker, I find tons of random pictures developed from disposable and Polaroid cameras. When I got my paws on a digital camera I loaded my old computer with less than awesome snapshots of literally everything. At some point I got sick of hanging out with people who were constantly snapping pictures. Stopping every five minutes to pose and snap started to get old.

I noticed that when I went on trips and vacations with my family I was constantly thinking about the next photo opportunity. I wanted to post cool pictures on Facebook to show my friends. It was exhausting. Thankfully I weaned myself off of the picture addiction. Although I no longer have pictures of every trip I've been on, I have memories that I never could have made if I had been worrying about capturing every moment on film (er, memory stick/disk/chip, whatever).

I still love getting a few token pictures taken when the time is right, although I'll admit that I still feel sheepish asking someone to take my picture for me. It just seems weird to me. "Hi stranger, could you push this button and take a picture of me trying to look better than I do normally, so that I can post this picture to FB and show everyone how attractive I am and how fun I am? Take five pictures just in case. Thanks."

Maybe I should try taking purposefully unattractive pictures to break myself of the FB photo habit. Stay tuned for the results.

Love,
Charlotte

Habit

Good morning Damen und Herren!

Yesterday we ran out of garbage bags. We started a temporary trash bag next to the garbage to last us until we buy some more. I cannot tell you how hard it has been to not chuck my trash in the trash can that has no bag in it! I am most definitely a creature of habit, and the trash dilemma has reminded me of it.

I remember in culinary school when a chef instructor would show me how they wanted me to cut a red bell pepper. I would nod and say, "Yes, chef." Although my words were subordinate, my knife was not. With every new pepper I grabbed I would have to remind myself to do it his way and use my old method. Although I tried my best to follow directions, my habits would always take over on at least 20% of the peppers. I was embarrassed when the chef would see the messed up peppers because, really, how hard is it to just follow directions? Apparently harder than it seems.

Habits are hard to kick. Once the pathway in your brain has been traveled a couple times, good luck trying to forge a new trail. I'm grateful for culinary school in that sense. The chefs there coached me in breaking bad habits and building new ones. They didn't scold me when my small diced carrots were too small. Instead they showed me how to try and fix what I was doing wrong. Being corrected, in any sense, is not my favorite thing. I like being right.

During my first semester in the culinary program, a small suggestion or criticism from a chef made my face redden and my hands shake. I have always been a sensitive person, and although being sensitive is helpful for other people, it can be devastating for me. Being overly sympathetic and sensitive can drain you and leave you defenseless. However, by the end of my time in the program I was so used to corrections and criticisms that I was conditioned to by-step the physical sensations of embarrassment, and plow on to discover how I could perform better. This was a valuable lesson.

I still suffer from the effects of a blind siding criticism once in a while, but for the most part I'm able to look past the hurt. Sometimes I can only carry on the facade of ease until I have the opportunity to be alone and pity myself. I'm not proud of those instances, but I'm human and I fail sometimes. My pastor said something in his sermon on Sunday that struck me as super important. I scrabbled around in a fluster to type his words into my phone before I forgot them. He said, "Don't wait for perfection. Celebrate progress."

Let's do that more often, okay? Let's high five, hug, and slap each other on the back for getting through another day. Let's savor the smell of dinner cooking, the warmth of a preheated car, and the twinkling Christmas lights on the trees outside, because we are taking steps to become more like Jesus. We are works in progress. We will never be perfect. Let's celebrate.

Love,
Charlotte

Join Me

Good afternoon my friends.

Is it just me, or is there something melancholy about the holiday season? I don't mean to be a Grinch, but I can't ignore the slightly hollow feeling in my heart that comes at this time of year. I think it comes from living in a fallen world. It makes me sad watching commercials about spreading holiday cheer. Why? Because I wish our society recognized the importance of loving each other at all times of the year and not just at Christmas. I wish the myth of Santa didn't exist. I wish the birth of our Lord in a manger was as celebrated as the presents under the trees on Christmas morning.

I don't want Christmas to be about new outfits, holiday parties, or vacation time.  Do I dress up in new clothes in order to celebrate Jesus? No, I dress up to look good in front of my friends and family. Do I buy presents for people in order to celebrate Jesus? No, I buy presents for people because it is a tradition. So many things I do at this time of year don't have anything to do with Jesus. That is what makes me sad.

Church is often an afterthought during this busy time. Why do I let it get that way? How could I possibly forget the reason this holiday began? How can I celebrate Jesus when I am pigging out on festive treats and worrying about travel plans?

I'm sick of this melancholy shadow following me around during Christmastime. How do I get rid of it? Perhaps I will try something different. Maybe I will make an extra effort to communicate with my Father. Maybe if I focus on Him, I will be able to turn away from the commercial Christmas that jumps out at me from every billboard and storefront. Maybe God will embrace me and reintroduce me to the joy of His son. I am praying for the strength and the wisdom to follow Him. Join me?

Love,
Charlotte

Celebration

Good evening ladies and gentlemen.

Do you remember when I wrote about that job interview that went really well? I'm going to assume you do remember so that I don't have to retell that story. Anyways, I got a call this morning from my interviewer (weeks after he said to expect a call...) and he asked me to come in to start filling out paperwork for employment if I was still interested. On the phone I was all, "Yes sir, I am still very interested in that position, thank you." After I hung up the phone I was all, "YYYYYEEEESSSSSS FINALYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!" I was starting to think that they had found someone better suited for the job. I'm so glad that wasn't the case.

Although I'm really, really excited, I acknowledge the fact that there is still time and many an opportunity for this job to not work out. That's life. But boy am I looking forward to maybe making bank.

On Monday I'm meeting with the interviewer and hopefully I'll be learning a bit more about the job and what will be expected of me. This weekend will be a time of celebration. Tomorrow I get to visit the Christkindlmarkt in Chicago, at which I plan on purchasing Glühwein, a beer stein, and lots of German snacks. Saturday I get to drive home to pick up my tiny, fluffy puppy! I have missed him intensely. It's high time he and I are reunited (we belong together).

I hope that sometime soon you will get to have a celebration weekend. They are few and far between, but they are exceptionally glorious. I pray that God hears your voice lifted up to Him and answers your cries for help. He has extraordinary riches to bestow upon all of us. May our eyes be opened to the love and many treasures He has given us already.

Much love,
Charlotte

Jesus in the Deli

Good morning my friends.

Since returning to my Middle City after Thanksgiving (sans puppy) I have been in a pretty foul humor. I feel like it's probably a conglomeration of the winter season, being currently puppy-less, and nearing the end of the scholastic semester. I suppose it's my time to admit that I am letting all these things get to me. I am letting my circumstances dictate my mood. Bad Charlotte, bad, bad.

Yesterday I was frowning around the grocery store in search of some cooked chicken. I picked up a box containing 8 pieces of chicken, ready to eat. Wrapped up in my own depressed feelings, I did not notice an elderly deli worker sidle up next to me. His calm voice interrupted my morose thoughts and he said to me, "Ma'am, I just boxed up some fresh chicken that just came out of the oven. Would you like that instead of that old stuff?" I turned to him and felt a smile taking over my face. I nodded and he trundled behind the counter to retrieve the box for me. He even made sure it was the same price as the one I had been looking at previously. I thanked him profusely. I was so happy.

I wasn't happy because I got a box of hot chicken (although that did help my mood). I was happy, finally, because this man had shown me love. He could have let me pick up the older box and then put a new one out in it's place, but he decided to give me something better. He was looking out for me. I wanted to cry because I felt so touched by his act of kindness. What an awesome God we have, who can turn our mood around with such a small thing. I felt Jesus there, in the grocery deli, yesterday.

I often wonder if my attempts at showing love to people even makes a difference in their lives. Lately I've been avoiding the small acts of kindness in order to nurse my own fallen heart. I've let a frown settle on my face and justified it by thinking to myself, "It's about time I worry about myself and how I feel." You know what this has led to? I've caught myself thinking poorly of other people for not reaching out to me when I'm so clearly down and depressed. Those thoughts lead me to even deeper self pity and anger. I think it's safe to say that self pity and despairing thoughts capture me in a vicious cycle of self-centered craziness.

Throughout my down days I attempted to make contact with God. My prayers weren't pretty and they were really quite pathetic. Do you think that Jesus made himself known to me in the deli to show me that He had heard my prayers? Maybe He wanted to show me that an act of kindness that seems insignificant to us can turn someones life around. There are so many things to think about!

Today I'm going to smile. I'm going to smile because Jesus reached out to me through a little old man at the deli. I'm going to smile because Jesus wants me to share the love He has shown to me. I'm going to smile because He has given me a reason to.

I hope you smile today too.

Love,
Charlotte

Pets

Hello my friends.

Earlier I was looking through some old photo albums on Facebook. It is amazing to me that due to my activity on FB, my life is now chronicled on the web. There are pictures and comments dating back to my early high school days. I don't often peruse those long-ago posts, but today I was looking at pictures of when we first brought our Cavalier King Charles Spaniels home. They were so itty bitty! We welcomed two little boys and one tiny little girl into our family in early July of 2010.

One of the boys was mine and I named him Samuel. Over the years he has accumulated a wealth of nicknames and now we mostly call him Tab or Tabby (pronounced with a stuffy nose). Tab has always been a huge snuggle bug and can often be caught staring lovingly into my Mom's eyes. My sister got the other boy puppy and named him Luther. One of my young cousins used to call him "Dooter," so now we usually just call him Doot for short. Luther is a smart, loving, and burly creature, and he is more independent than the other two. My parents got the little girl whom they named Honeysuckel, after an actress on the British TV series "Foyle's War." Honey is the leader of our small dog pack. She's bossy, sassy, and completely loveable. She keeps the boys in line. Unlike the boys' nicknames, Honey's pet name is much longer than her original name. We like calling her Honeysuckle Susan Marie or sometimes simply Hunnuhmuh.

Before we got these dogs we conducted extensive research into different dog breeds. We wanted to get dogs that loved people and were easygoing. The Cavaliers have definitely lived up to the breed standard. They greet strangers with wagging tails and bright eyes. We have to warn guests who visit our house that the dogs will attempt to catapult onto their laps. The dogs love being showered with affection and with thinly sliced deli turkey and cheese. They are intensely motivated by food and snacks.

As time went by, my sister and I realized that the three of our dogs belonged together. We couldn't possibly take one with us when we moved. They were a unit of three and that is how they have remained. All three dogs live with my parents now and they love the stink out of them. I ended up getting a Papillon, whom I named Tank, to keep with me as I grow up and travel around for school. The Cavaliers tolerate my new puppy. Honey takes it upon herself to teach him manners. Tank loves following the dogs around and making a nuisance of himself.

I am so grateful for our pets that we have now and all the pets we loved growing up. I'm not going to go into the dynamic relationship that humans have with their pets, but I will say that without pets, my life would be quite boring. The dogs make me laugh and smile constantly. They have taught me responsibility and patience. They also are excellent snugglers.

Long live the pets!

Love,
Charlotte

Grumpus

Do you ever wake up and feel like you have the word "Grumpus" stamped on your forehead? This morning I woke up feeling like a total grump. I did not sleep well, my puppy is at Camp Grandma, and I'm back on my diet. On days like today, things that should make me happy make me furious instead. After sitting in my 12:15 classroom for ten minutes I found out that the class was canceled. I was not joyous; I was pissed. I bothered to haul myself out of my cozy room, make coffee, drive to school, walk to the building and then they tell me that class is canceled? Ugh.

I really don't like being grumpy. This stems mostly from the fact that I can't stand grumpy people and I would not like to add myself to the proliferating group of them that plague the Earth. (Side note: Literally every time I type the word "plague" I type "plaque" instead. Does this problem plaque anyone else?) 

Normally I smile when I make eye contact with someone, but that was not the case this morning. A few minutes into my walk to school I noticed that my brow was deeply furrowed and I was grinding my teeth. Yikes. I hope I didn't scare anyone. Why is it that some days we wake up under a dark cloud? What can I do to shorten the length of my grumpus mood?

When I woke up this morning at an unfortunately early hour, I decided to go work out at the gym. As Elle Woods says, "Endorphins make you happy! And happy people don't kill their husbands. They just don't." I was hoping that working out would help me get out from under the black cloud. As of right now, I'm still pretty ornery, but maybe if I hadn't exercised I would be so grumpy that I couldn't focus on writing a blog post. I suppose I'll never know.

I guess this is just one of those days I have to make it through to be able to wake up tomorrow with a smile on my face. My therapist always assured me that no one lives without a good portion of down days. I'd be pretty annoying if I was always chipper. I'm praying that today I can keep my grumpy feelings to myself and not inflict any black clouds on anyone else. Hopefully my little black cloud will rain on my parade in order to make some flowers grow tomorrow. Wouldn't that be nice?

Love,
Charlotte